A Brush With Darkness

I wrote this last night sometime around midnight. There was nothing to relieve me in the slightest. Feeling absolutely insane. Reminding me of my most insecure days. Except this time it's not imagined irrational threats but real. Confidence and self-assuredness only goes to far when there is so much at stake. I may never experience darkness like this again I chose to embrace and express it. I cannot say it offered me much relief but it did distract me. It also helped me see a glimpse of how much I have hurt my Love. I never want to go back here, on either end of things. I am convinced there is really nothing more painful aside from maybe death of a loved one:

I am back in the darkness. There is no relief. I actually want to take a knife and cut myself. Never been a cutter or self-harmer of any sort but I can understand the impulse

 I can actually feel my heart beating irregularly. Trying to tolerate my feeling. Knowing that I can end it all is the only image I find comforting at this moment.

So angry that the person who begged me to be with him and experienced all the pain that I did,  is knowingly hurting me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs or jump off a building. The learning experience in this moment is lost completely. I am so overwhelmed with anguish that there is no way to see anything but darkness.

I need to sleep. It's my only escape. If I was alone I would probably harm myself in some way. I understand how impossible it feels to simply breathe and exist sometimes. Nothing could snap me out of this other than some sort of response from my Love. It's hard to even call him my Love in this moment because of how much he is killing me. I could I have behaved in a similar fashion? Never again.

Part of me is dying. I can actually feel it. I don't know how to keep myself alive. My heart withers away. It suffocates. And with it a piece of my love dies. I thought I was finally me again but I can feel the color escaping my face. The transformation from human to ghost begins. Somebody save me.

I'm feeling more hopeful today and the sun shines again. I am aware of how vulnerable I am and how challenging it is to cope. It gives me a lot of awareness about how intolerable certain emotions can feel and how "coping skills" seem like a big fucking joke. This is something I will carry with me as a clinician and nurturing friend when I am trying to help someone deal with challenges. It also helps me understand the impulse for self-destructive behaviors, and that maybe I need to create a better plan for myself when I am experiencing this turmoil. I think it is important to remember that anything you experience is temporary and will pass. Next time I feel this way I am going to contemplate on this and force myself to meditate for at least 10 minutes. Feeling relieved to have a happier day. Feeling hopeful and renewed. Realizing maybe these emotions are healing to experience. They help me connect with my own experience and experience I have put others through. I will act more mindfully in the future as a result. And that is an invaluable lesson I plan to revisit.